While most people are appalled at the thought of a new years’ resolution, I have tasked myself with the same goal for the past two years. I have told myself every year since 2015 that I will be the most me in the coming year. What this task means is that I take the time at the end of the year to really check in with myself: was I as true to myself as I could be? Each year the answer is honestly no, so why do I keep tasking myself with this impossible goal? In reality, the idea of being the most me is a moving target, which makes it the perfect goal. Being the most me at any given moment can mean a myriad of things. One year being the most me was all about conquering grad school, finding a deeper self-confidence and being kinder to myself. Since I’ve graduated grad school, I’ll have to find a new set of rulers to measure myself against.
The artificial end of a year, a man made closing of the chapter is a great time look at yourself and check in. Are you actually being honest with your wants, needs and desires? I did a lot of growing this year, and it’s that growth that inspires me to continue working toward a greater version of myself. I see the potential within myself to do more, strive to be better and be shine brighter than ever before. There have been times in the last few months where I couldn’t leave the bed. There were times in the last few months were I doubted the development I’ve gone through this year. However, I have to remind myself of my personal accomplishments as a guide into greater achievement.
This year I discovered so much unnecessary insecurity as it relates to my abilities as an artist, my body and my intelligence. This isn’t an indictment of my self worth, but more of an acknowledgment of the room for improvement. I also made room to discover how much my own thoughts and actions have kept me from successful dating. While it is true there are many factors out of my control, a recent change in desire, attitude and approach has yielded interesting results (I’m sure I’ll write more about this in the future). Although all the time spent with myself at the end of the year has brought up a lot of my repressed fears and insecurities, it’s allowed me time to get real with myself about the work I’ve yet to do.
In recent years, we’re extremely hopeful for the coming year due to the increasingly terrible state of the world. I’m not sure we are as hopeful going into 2018, but I would encourage us all to find our center. I’m personally tired of being bombarded by people and things that do not bring me joy. In 2018 I want to actually be more selfish about my space and my time. I want to reclaim my body in 2018, which includes taking up space, wearing clothes that do not minimize or hide me. I want to be bold in my size and queerness. Being the most me means maximizing the kindnesses I owe myself and speaking softly to the voice in my head that would prevent me from walking into my greatness and presenting my truth to the world.
In 2018, I challenge all of you to take up the mantle so set before you, decide that you will be the most true to yourself in 2018. This can be as small as making time for more reading, or picking up an art practice. Whatever you do in 2018 to better yourself can only help you toward your overall goals.